Liechtenstein Beats Azerbaijan, Breaks Its Own Record for Fewest People Who Can Celebrate at Once

Liechtenstein won. In Baku. 1-0. Read that twice, because the Football Desk did.

The goal came in the 71st minute off a corner that nobody on the Azerbaijan back line tracked, a set-piece routine the visitors had drilled roughly 400 times on a single floodlit pitch in Vaduz. "They do one thing, and they do it until physics agrees," said Priya Okonkwo-Vance of the Institute of Applied Finishing, who froze the xG model again at full time. "Our pre-match number gave them a 2.5 percent chance. The model is now resting."

The mechanism is almost rude in its simplicity. Liechtenstein defended deep, conceded the ball for 78 minutes, and kept one rehearsed corner in its back pocket for the moment Azerbaijan pushed its full-backs high. The gap opened. The header found it.

In Vaduz the celebration jammed a single main street, because there is a single main street. Shops shut early. A brass band that normally plays harvest festivals reassembled in 20 minutes.

The Shipping Desk, ever hopeful, asked whether its container of commemorative bronze boots might finally clear customs. It will not. Dr. Casimir Blum of Meridian Macro Institute logged a small posting-tremor and went back to the gold tape.

— Timeline B. In our universe, the odds of this were 2.5%.